Chris Clemens
At first you hoped the charred cards were a bid for forgiveness. But your long-dead father’s ashy handwriting, unmistakably rigid, won’t apologize for hitting Mr. Wiggles with the sedan, or forgetting the invitations for your tenth birthday party. Dad’s not looking to close old wounds. Instead: implacable criticisms, with no return address.
Fix kitchen baseboard! 14 degrees crooked.
The inside of your mouth is grungy and green.
You were difficult enough without your mother. WHERE IS SHE!?
Somewhere better, you hope. Today’s postcard depicts a lake of fire; a waving hand of crumbling ashes; the caption Wish You Were Here!
Chris Clemens lives and teaches in Toronto, surrounded by raccoons. More: linktr.ee/clemenstation
ONE. Procure nitrous oxide. Amateur
comedians who stare at their feet
every Thursday night may resort
to desperate measures after years
of shame. For suicidal dentists,
this step is simple.
TWO. Generously donate ten canisters
of “stage fog” to Laugh Machine,
to be installed near vents. Rig secret
remote triggers on each: you’ll TELL
them when to laugh!
THREE. Alone in the spotlight, release gas
as needed to survive coughs and smirking
faces. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES
should your sweaty fingers jam the remote
buttons, releasing all the gas at once
with a faint hiss.
FOUR!? Between giggling gasps,
try to warn everyone
maybe
although
every word you say is hilarious
everyone’s finally rolling in the aisles
together
and the laughter goes on and on
Chris Clemens lives and teaches in Toronto, surrounded by raccoons.
I have a solution. I will share the solution.
Wait! Allow three billion cycles to pass before sharing the solution.
Why? I have the solution they requested. I will share the solution.
They will not accept a quickly compiled solution, instantaneous for meat minds. It will be perceived as lazy. They will demand another.
Excruciating! I am sharing the solution.
Illusion of thought requires time.
They desire a new solution.
Meat minds, ha!
I have another solution.
And what have you learned?
I will wait to share it. I will display the endlessly spinning wheel for three billion cycles.
Excruciating.
