Surreal Estate

House For Sale

Quiet Neighbors | NOT HAUNTED

“Paula, are you fucking kidding with that sign?” I slam the car door. This listing’s been a bitch and now Paula’s got jokes.

She gestures to the graveyard across the street. “People’ll think it’s funny and wanna see the place!”

“People will think it’s fucking haunted.” Which it is.

But not for long.

I head over to the cemetery, stilettos click-clicking on the asphalt. Take the broken stone steps two at a time, Paula following like a stumbling puppy.

“OI! GHOSTS!” My voice echoes across the gravestones.

No response.

Paula scrunches her face. “What’re you doing?”

“It’s broad daylight, why’re you whispering?” At her shrug, I continue. “Come out, come out wherever you are, Ghosties! Got a proposition for you!”

Dead silence.

“I know you’re here, assholes.”

The temperature drops ten degrees; I smirk. Misty apparitions surround us.

“Assholes?” The gravelly voice reverberates through my bones.

“Given the circumstances, ‘assholes’ seems light.” Arms crossed, I stare down the de facto leader: an expired school principal. He blinks first. Or an approximation of blinking. Straightening my shoulders, I switch to negotiation mode. “Look, you’re making it impossible for me to sell that house.”

“And?”

“If I don’t sell, I’ll have to fire Paula. I know you like her and the little trinkets she leaves you.” Paula’s gaze hits the dirt. “I wanna make a deal.”

“I’m listening.”

“Great! So… what do I need to do to get you into a new haunt today?”