Lovelorn Advice

Dear Disappointed in Detroit:

Take this from me as gospel.

I am sorry to have to tell you, dearie, but in my experience, anyone who says they love you, and that they’re ready to give you their heart to prove it, will always run away as soon as they see you bring out the carving knife.

My advice to you is to start out small during a relationship. Maybe just ask for a pinky finger or little toe, and see how things go. If it works out, then ask how they feel about liver.

All the best,
Aunt Agonie