Final Update from General Xuknuds

In one galactic zhwoop, Battalion 72’s entities beamed and shrunk into coffee beans.

Situated along the equator, the warmth and ruby coffee fruit reminded us of our own breeding pods.

We laughed at Battalion 45’s failure, trapped in the novelty Mexican jumping beans.

Coffee beans were the perfect conduit. Every forsaken human on this planet consumes coffee, and once established inside the humans, we would seize control of Earth using their gangly bodies.

✱

The temperature rises now. Sweat has long since evaporated. The overwhelming heat comes for my consciousness. I’m roasting.

We advise the next battalion to commandeer cocoa beans.